Let me start by saying that the above picture is not my step-son, who has *supposedly* been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism.
I say supposedly because this situation is very complicated. My husband and I do not have custody of my step-son and have not seen the medical records or talked to his doctor about this. We have just been “told” by my step-son’s mother that Ethan* is severely ADHD and falls somewhere on the Autistic spectrum.
This, and anything involving my step-kids and their mother is a very touchy subject for me for several reasons:
- I literally did not know that crazy people were real until I met their mother
- Their mother has a history of neglecting her children in several ways
- Their mother has a history of lying and stealing, among other things
- In college I studied Elementary Education, including learning about child development, disorders, abnormalities in learning, etc.
- I suspected ADHD and a speech delay in my step-son when I met him at a little less than 2 years old. I suggested that he be evaluated, and now, at 5 years old, he has finally been evaluated for the first time, so we are told.
- Without custody, we have been offered no role in the medical decisions regarding the kids. It has been made very, very clear that we are not welcome to make suggestions or show our concerns.
- Lastly, and most importantly, during the first few years I knew my step-kids, I put so much effort into their academic success and felt called to help give them a better chance at success. I have become very discouraged over time as I see things happening that I would never want for my own child.
I am no expert on either of the two disorders, but I feel as though I am better equipped than many people, as I studied both of these things at length, both in college and own my own. I also learned about how to work with kids like this academically as I prepared to become a teacher.
I never did become a teacher, and I was wrong about my ability to interact with a kid with ADHD and/or Autism.
I personally think that Ethan does have severe ADHD, but if he has Autism, he must be low on the spectrum.
The most heartbreaking thing to me is that I thought I knew what to do with him.
Here are some of his most common behaviors:
- He screams at the most inappropriate times
- He is always loud.
- At five years old, he does not wipe, flush, or wash his hands. The sound of the toilet flushing and the water bothers him.
- He doesn’t have an appropriate fear instinct. In other words, he doesn’t foresee danger the way most people would. He sees big rocks and a crashing river and sees nothing but something cool to explore.
- He doesn’t remember what was said or asked of him 3 seconds ago. Instructions are repeated 5 or more times before they are heard, and by then our voices are raised and he feels like he’s in trouble.
- He doesn’t learn from mistakes easily. I’ll use the river example again because this has actually happened. He slips on a rock and gets hurt, then gets up and repeats the same behavior that got him hurt.
- He has severe speech problems. At his age he should be speaking in clear, full sentences, and I could probably count the ones he says on my fingers. He can’t pronounce “f” sounds and “s” sounds.
- He is a danger to others as he has complete (though unintentional, I think) disregard for what might hurt others.
- When you give him a direction or are speaking to him about something he doesn’t like, he stares at you silently and there is no reasoning with him. This usually happens about the silliest things, like his refusal to flush the toilet.
- He is cruel to animals.
I could go on about his behavior. Of course I’ve dealt with “difficult” kids in my experiences working and preparing to become a teacher. But for some reason, I just can’t reach this kid with the same confidence I might have if he weren’t my family.
I feel so discouraged by the fact that I feel like I’m his only advocate, and I only see him 1-3 days of the week, depending on the week.
His mother and his primary caregivers are either completely ignorant or do not care about his success and his needs, or so I feel. However, I feel bad in that I am sometimes guilty of the same things they are at times, including:
- Letting him watch TV because if he’s not then he’s wreaking havoc
- Giving him way too much sugar because he has been spoiled into thinking he can have whatever he wants, whenever
- Not reading to him enough (I don’t think they do this, EVER)
- Not helping him find other fun things to do that can be learned from
- Not researching how to help him or finding him help
- Being overall complacent about this whole situation
From my perspective as a step-mom, an outsider almost, I can only really help him when he’s with me. But then I’ve got my own kid. I’ve tried to eliminate TV at our house and I encourage him to each much healthier than he does at the other homes. Ethan is on an IEP in a specialized program, but even the teachers struggle in dealing with him. If they can’t do it, how can I? His teachers admitted that when they can’t handle him, they make him push a heavy box around the perimeter of the classroom. I feel ultimate guilt in feeling like I’ve given up on him. I feel like I’m his only advocate and at best I’m half-assing it. What can I do? The stress, the guilt, is it my burden?
Ethan has been in a specialized class since preschool, but has repeated preschool and is expected to be held back again. He will always be the oldest and biggest in all of his classes now because of this. He came home from school one day saying he never wanted to go back because someone called him stupid. Someone in the special education class called him STUPID. I fear he truly believes that he is stupid.
What do I do?
On a lighter note, Ethan is funny, creative, loves the outdoors, and enjoys learning. If you met him briefly you would just think that he is a hyper kid with maybe a little trouble with speech.
I want to encourage other parents dealing with this, because despite the controversy, I believe it is a real thing.
I thought I’d share the story of my difficulties as a step-mom and with an ADHD and possibly Autistic kid. If you have a similar story, please share it.
*Pseudonym
Chantal Steele 